I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
