I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
only you would photoshop your dick
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
