her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
