Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize