so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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