If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Even the bartender felt bad for me
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
