My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
