Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
