You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
