I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
