If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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