remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
