im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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