so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
