Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
