So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize