my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
