I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
