It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
