I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
