Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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