every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
