You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
