Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm sobbing to NWA
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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