I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
