he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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