Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
