so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I think I just sharted jello shots
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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