You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
