She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
