She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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