Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
