Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
