1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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