I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
