I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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