The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
ok first of all what the fuck
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
