I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
