I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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