Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
