you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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