Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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