Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize