He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
