I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
