Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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