thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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