I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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