My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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