Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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