I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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