I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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