If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
