I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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