Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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