Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
