My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
