Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
