please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize