Already got asked if we're dating
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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